Not as I planned....

 On Thursday nights, my SIO and I meet for drinks, plan our weekend and talk about the week. Last night I was lamenting the fact that mine had not gone as I had planned.  I had visions of grandeur, great accomplishments; most had not happened.

My teenage son had been gone all week, leaving alone with my youngest daughter. I thought would have uninterrupted time in the evenings to write, catch up on little chores and just do whatever I wanted.  I would start version 4 of a project that has been nagging me for some time.  I wouldn’t have to worry about where he was, when he was coming home, if he needed a ride and so forth.  Free time woo-hoo.

I had a few commitments, easy enough.  I could work around those; maybe even glean some material from these experiences.  One involving my car left me so dumbfounded I had to go pound on the piano at church. I call it music therapy; uninterrupted time playing away in the silent sanctuary.  After an hour of playing, I felt a little better but still pouted my way across town and picked up my daughter. Driving home, I wished that I could hide somewhere longer.  I wasn’t ready to get over my pout and yet my daughter needed me, someone had to take her to the pool.  She has her priorities too you know.

The next day, an evening commitment kept me so busy, by the time I returned home I was so exhausted I couldn’t remember how to turn the computer on; forget writing that night.  My youngest daughter ended up needing my attention more and more as the week wore on.  A weeks of accomplishments was a total bomb.

Work had been pretty hectic as it always is this time of year, demanding and relentless phone calls, paper work and the usual day to day banter.  I had laid my head on my keyboard exasperated so many times during the week, my co-worker warned me of permanent imprinting (Not exactly the look I was hoping for).  At one point during the week, finishing a long email explanation I looked up to find my SIO standing in the hall way smiling at me.  It’s always a pleasant surprise when he stops by on his way across campus; however I think he was more surprised to find me in such a state of bewilderment.  He knows what I go through in my professional life, some of it, I hide it well.  This time he was really seeing it firsthand.  He said later he didn’t realize it was this difficult for me.

This morning at breakfast with my two daughters, a rare treat indeed, my youngest (just shy of  9 years old) was being her usual demanding self.  The oldest 29, remarked at how whinny she was around me.  “She never does when she is  with me!”  The younger daughter ignored her big sister and continued to rant about the steaming pancakes, while I attempted to fix the situation, giving her older  sister a nasty look.  I’m an expert at giving the older children nasty looks when they are not helping.

It’s true though; the youngest is a different child around her siblings.  She is much more demanding, tests me and keeps me on my toes at every turn.  I took this job on when I divorced and became a single parent.  I wouldn’t change a thing looking back. Sleepless nights worrying over bills, my medical issues, having to deal with discipline alone and the countless things that occur raising children on your own.  It’s enough to drive two parents insane much less one parent. It’s amazing when you think about it what you have to go through. I have to admit that I put some of these demands on myself. I have things I insist on doing, my volunteer work, choir, writing; I need these for me.  There has to be me time.   

After my Cancer diagnosis 5 years ago, I decided I had to have me time: had to be!  If I was going to be a whole person again, regain what Cancer took from me, I was going to have to reach out and get it back.

When the kids demand it, when Society demands it, I sometimes have to say  no. Instead I go to that piano, play for an hour or whatever amount of time I can manage.  I go volunteer my time with the new organization I have found, meeting a new group of individuals supporting a good cause.  I go sing in the choir and challenge the director on his choice of music. (I compliment him also!)

In the end my week didn’t turn out as planned; some things never do.  All I can ever hope for out of this life is to make good memories with my family, friends and to meet a few personal goals.  I’m working on these continually.

Rest assured the children have all their needs met.  As for myself, I am mostly sane, tired, happy and depending on the day of the week…. Mostly sane

Peace.

NEPB